Bored with Porn

“Once more into the breach, Dear Friends.” Adam is...

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:22:15 +0000

“Once more into the breach, Dear Friends.”
Adam is back with his poorly thought out, unplanned, unscripted reviews of films he’s just seen.

Marvel at his ability to stumble over words
Be aghast at interruptions from the pet cat
Will he sway your opinion?? …probably not.

This time he watches “The Thing” Prequel, was he impressed by it’s visuals and impressive storytelling? …nah.

GREEN LANTERN (and all the other corps) RULE! ^_^

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 12:21:29 +0000

Green Lantern, does indeed (as you said) RULE!! *Raises power ring to the air*

Review Retrospect: The Tiffany Aching Series (or "The Wee Free Men", "A Hat Full of Sky", "Wintersmith" & "I Shall Wear Midnight") By Terry Pratchett

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 17:37:00 +0000

Imagine a turtle swimming through the infinite of space, on this turtles shell stand 4 elephants of equally enormous size (but smaller then the turtle… that’s just physics), on the shoulders of these elephants lies a world as large as ours, but as flat as a pancake… this is the Discworld.

A world where magic exists but wizards and witches are smart enough not to use it unless necessary, a world where every story is true and most likely kill you, a world where Trolls rub shoulders with humans who rub shoulders with dwarves (metaphorically speaking), a word where Death exists as a 7 foot tall skeleton in a black robe who has a fondness for kittens and rides a horse called Binky.

It is a world created by Terry Pratchett, and I’ve been living there for almost 20 years now… again, metaphorically speaking.

I’ve gushed over how Sir Terry, and his books, has influenced my life in a former post, so I won’t get into that here. What I will get into however, is why it took me the better part of 8 years to read his Tiffany Aching books.

As I’ve said, I love the Discworld, it is my favourite fictional plane of existence and I’ve read pretty much everything about it… so why didn’t I read the Tiffany Aching books every time they came out? Well, the Tiff books are classed under the “Discworld Story for Younger Readers” section of the series; yes, I let the fact that I wasn’t a “Young Reader” influence me, it almost stopped me from reading these fabulous books, I basically felt that sir Terry was selling himself short with these stories, that he was pandering to the youth market, “I started with the normal series, why should anyone else be different?” was my excuse. And so, for 8 long years, I avoided them… until my crazy compulsion to complete a collection (alteration FTW) drove me to read them.

And I’m glad I did.

The Tiffany Aching series is as just as much as part of the overall series as Mort, or Interesting Time or Men at Arms are, it is a rich series full of brilliant and compelling new characters (and some cameos by old favourites), interesting plots, a far reaching story ark, and beautiful character growth.

I was wrong to ignore them for so long, and I hope this retrospect will atone for my sins…

The Wee Free Men

An experienced witch named Miss Tick and her toad arrive on the chalk. She feels that something is not right, so she decides to find out what’s going on. Her intuition is right. The Queen of the Elves has made another attempt at invading the Discworld, this time by stealing children and infesting dreams.

With the help of the Wee Free Men, the Nac Mac Feegle, nine-year-old Tiffany Aching finds out that her grandmother used to be the witch of the Chalklands, and that she has inherited the trade. When her baby brother is stolen, Tiffany and the Nac Mac Feegle enter the elves’ world to steal him back.

(Plot synopsis taken from Wikipedia, because they’re better at it then I am)

This was a good starting point for the series. It introduced us to Tiffany and immediately set her up as the resourceful, brave, smart beyond her years protagonist that she grew into, it created the imagery of the Chalklands as a no nonsense farmers village, where people most often grow older in their heads but still look young on the outside. It planted the seed that grew the myth of Granny Aching (a witch in everything but the pointy black hat), and the Nac Mac Feegle, a group of pictsies (not Pixies, unless you want your head stoved in, “Crivins”) who have more in common with William Wallace then Tinkerbell.

It also brought back the Queen of the Faries as the antagonist of this book. If you have read ‘Lords and Ladies’, then no introduction is necessary, but for those of you who haven’t (admittedly, that will be most of you), allow me to paint a picture:

Faries are not nice, they are certainly beautiful… but any reality tv show will show you that beauty does not automatically equal nice. They are vicious, mean, narcissistic, egomaniacs who never grew out of the “ME ME ME” stage of their life. If one is being nice to you, it is for their enjoyment only and you better pray that they don’t grow bored. The worst is the Queen, the vainest of the lot, who believes that everything should belong to her because of her status. She steal children and hides them in dreams, she bullies, she tortures and is most definitely cruel… she is also one of the greatest villains on the Discworld, and it’s good to see her back, just so we can hate her again.

The Wee Free Men is an excellent starting point for anyone wanting to get into the Discworld. It’s funny, heart warming in places and sets a good precedent for the rest of the series. If you need to start anywhere, start here.

A Hat Full of Sky

A Hat Full of Sky revisits the young witch Tiffany Aching, who is preparing to leave home and learn witchcraft. She takes dislike to her studies, finding the work of the witches to be thankless, dull and pointless and that witches work long hours helping the sick, young or elderly who are not self-sufficient rather then doing actual magic.

A hiver, a mysterious and dangerous creature, enters Tiffany’s mind causing her to abuse her powers of magic. It is explained that the Hiver does not change the way she acts, merely allows her to do what she would do without a conscience. Her fellow witches are worried by Tiffany’s strange behavior and try to bring her back to herself.

With the help of other witches and the Nac Mac Feegle, Tiffany must defeat the Hiver and regain control of herself before it’s too late.

(Portions of this synopsis, again, taken from Wikipedia)

It’s time for Tiffany to learn what it is to be a witch, is it flying by broomstick at night, firing lightning from her fingers, turning people into toads, and all hubble bubble toil and trouble? Hmmmm-no, no it’s not. We discover that being a witch is more like being a nurse that makes house calls to those who can’t look after themselves. It’s about fixing what needs mending, taking responsibility for the people under your charge, and not expecting payment other then what’s expected (old boots or fresh sheets seem to be the common currency). We also learn that whilst magic can be used by witches, the trick is not to use it… trust me, it all makes sense in the book.

Tiffany has also aged in the story, from 9 to 11, she’s starting to grow into her strange new world, and discover that beating the queen of the faries is a piece of cake compared to the rest of the world.

Again, the characters are fantastic, the imagery is amazing, and whilst it’s not as good as Wee Free Men, that does not mean that it’s not a good book, there just doesn’t seem to be that much air or urgency as there was in the previous title. Still, an excellent continuation of the story.

Wintersmith

Tiffany Aching, now 13 years old, is training with the witch Miss Treason. But when she takes Tiffany to witness the secret dark morris - the morris dance (performed wearing black clothes and octiron bells) that welcomes in the winter, Tiffany finds herself drawn into the dance and joins in. She finds herself face to face with the Wintersmith - winter himself - who mistakes her for the Summer Lady. He is enchanted by her, mystified by her presence.

Tiffany must now deal with the personification of the Winter season, fight off his romantic advances and… yeah, save the world.

(Portions of synopsis taken from Wikipedia)

Now we’re getting into the meat of things. Wintersmith can be read in two ways, the first is the simple story of magic and the triumph of good over a technical evil. The second way is the growth of the scared child into adulthood, it’s about accepting mistakes one makes and trying your damnedest to fix it before it all goes wrong… it going wrong being an Ice age in this case. It’s also about unrequited love and how sometimes it’s best to let go before something terrible happens.

This book is basically about life growing up and all the mess in between.

This is a good one, there is major conflict throughout the story but with no antagonist. The Wintersmith is not evil, he can’t be evil, he just is. He’s a personification of a time frame, he’s confused and in love, it’s just unfortunate that him being here can destroy the world.

Again, Tiffany has grown and her skills have grown with her, her understanding of what it means to be a witch has solidified, her trust in others has grown, she has made friends in her respective field and has almost completely grown out of what she was before (and what she was before was pretty bad ass already).

I like this one. Wintersmith is what sold me on this being a good series for the beginner Pratchett fan, it introduces characters to the newbie that are familiar to the veteran Discworld-ite, and tells them in no uncertain words what they are all about (If you don’t become a fan of Nanny Ogg after this, then there’s something wrong with you).

Now things get a little dark…

I Shall Wear Midnight

Tiffany is working as the Chalk’s only witch in a climate of growing suspicion and prejudice: When the local Baron dies of poor health, she is accused of murder. Tiffany travels to Ankh-Morpork to inform the Baron’s heir, Roland, who happens to be in the city with his fiancée Letitia. On the way Tiffany is attacked by the Cunning Man, a frightening figure who has holes where his eyes should be and a hatred of Witches.

Tiffany must overcome the prejudice, convince people she’s not a killer and restore the peoples trust in witches… Oh, and also defeat an evil spirit hell bent on killing her in the process.

(Parts of Synopsis taken from Wikipedia)

Child abuse, Miscarriage, attempted suicide, murders, demon possession, prejudice, hatred for what you don’t understand… this was meant for younger readers, right Terry?

Joking aside, this is probably the best of the series, it’s amazingly dark for what is technically a young readers book, it deals with a strong subject matter amazingly well, and shows what the repercussions of ones actions (both good and bad) can do to you. It’s subject matter is deep and rich, the character growth of Tiffany is amazing and alters what we knew of the girl back when she was just 9 years old, the antagonist, a walking embodiment of hate and distrust, is just bloody spectacular (and once you learn his back story, also a little sad). It’s all just a fantastic end to an already brilliant series.

As I said earlier, the Tiffany aching books are a good kicking off point for anyone wanting to get into the Discworld series, it sets up the world and shows you how funny, spellbinding, charismatic, scary, frightening, beautiful, and genius it can be

Read them, you will never regret it… not for as long as the turtle moves.

Adam Re-Tries Spring Onion Crisps

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 16:42:00 +0000

The fat guy likes snacks, what a surprise.

I retry a snack that I’ve not had for around 15 years, will I be flooded with joyous memories, or will the experience kill what little childhood I have left?

Follow this link if the above video doesn’t show.

Prepare yourself to be punched in the face by 5 tons of AWESOME!

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 14:46:58 +0000

Prepare yourself to be punched in the face by 5 tons of AWESOME!

2,4,6,8, TUMBLR IS DOING GRE- wait, no… “stop being...

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 01:49:49 +0000

2,4,6,8, TUMBLR IS DOING GRE- wait, no… “stop being crap” is the general message I’m trying to put across here.

So, How long until we can kill and eat it?

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 20:54:44 +0000

(For full dramatic effect, please play the following YouTube link in a separate window or tab. Thank You.)

You know what I love about living in the future? …Hey, it is SO the future, we have what basically amount to Super-Computers that can fit in the palm of our hand, we can communicate to anyone, anywhere, at any time, we can take a video of something with our mobile-phones and have someone 10000 miles away watch it in real-time, we can predict natural disasters before they happen (most of the time) and we can fit entire libraries onto something no heavier then a penny. It’s time to wake up and face the music (that you downloaded, after you had your phone listen to it to determine who the song was by), we live in the future, 500 years ago all this stuff would be considered witchcraft, 100 years ago this stuff would have changed the tide of wars, 10 years ago we were impressed with stuff that did only the fraction of the things we do now, we are in the future ladies and gentlemen…

Now lets spit into the face of God, c’mon it’ll be fun.

I’ll cut to the chase, we’re bringing back the Woolly Mammoth, yes you read that right, we’re bringing back the Woolly Mammoth.

HOLY SHIT!

An animal that’s been extinct for the last 10000 years is going to be resurrected and put on a come-back tour… they are the Rolling Stones of the Pachyderm family.

Now this brings up a few ethical questions:

a) Do we have the right to bring back an animal that was made extinct thousands of years ago?

b) Should we bring back an animal that was made extinct thousands of years ago?

c) I wonder what Mammoth burger will taste like

and

d) Didn’t these scientists see Jurassic Park? I mean, Jesus Christ.

Personally, I’m all for the bringing back of extinct creatures, it’d be amazing to see something that, by all rights, should not exist. It’d be like an Angel landing in your back-yard and asking to use your toilet, you know that it shouldn’t be there, but you’re still not going to flush.

…that analogy sounded better in my head.

So, I’m all for Mammoths coming back and being huge and hairy… But the second anyone thinks that bringing Raptors back from the great beyond is a good idea, I’m grabbing a rifle and barricading myself in a stainless steal kitchen.

“Clever girl”

Spielberg was right, he was just wrong about the year.

Won't Sleep, The Future is Coming

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 05:24:00 +0000

It’s just after 5 in the am and I’m feeling strangely autobiographical, so lets do this thing.

First things first, Merry Christmas for 2010 and happy New year for 2011… I know that it is now half way through the month of January in the year of two-thousand-and-eleven, but shit has been going down lately, so please forgive the lateness.

So, I’ve finally moved out of my first place and have now settled in to a new place, a better place, a place that has restaurants and pubs and mailboxes and corner shops and chipy’s and barbers all in walking distance and I’m not likely to get mugged, stabbed, shot, beaten, molested, killed, conned, raped, spat on, pee’d on, or shouted at where I now am… that wasn’t likely at my old place either, it’s now much less likely.

The move also explains the radio silence I had to go under for the past 2 months, we lacked the proper internet connection and thus I was unable to post any blogs, reviews, skits or anything of interest. “But Adam” you say with a glint in your eye, “You posted some pictures a few weeks back”. Yes, yes I did, my iPhone has a tumblr app that allows me to post things on my blog such as pictures, videos and blogs… but have you ever tired making a blog with a keypad the size of 2 post-it notes sat side by side? It’s not easy i can assure you.

Also in the news, I’m now unemployed *gasp of shock from the audience*. It’s true, I am now part of the unemployed masses, lets just say that I screwed up and stuff happened and things get went wrong and just leave it at that… which sucks because I was looking forward to the new job I was getting at where I worked, ah well cest la vie.

Which brings me to why I’m up so GOD DAMMED LATE! My sleep schedule is pretty messed up (“No Duh” I hear you yell… you have a lot of nerve mister), so I’m trying to make myself over tired so I can sleep easier tomorrow night… or tonight… the next time I go to bed I mean. Hopefully this doesn’t back fire and screw me up.

Anyway, stuff happened that wasn’t of importance to anyone other then myself, and thats it really. I’ve got plans for my next series of reviews plus skits and vlogs about crap no one but me cares about. So until then, KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!!

…I dunno.

Later

~Adam.

PS: 100th post… REALLY?!!

Planet Eater (Taken with instagram)

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 00:29:37 +0000

Planet Eater (Taken with instagram)

A pune, or play on words.

Fri, 26 Nov 2010 23:51:00 +0000

I have a powerful need to read all of the Discworld books, all of them from start to finish, from the first page to the last page, because I have just come to the stark realisation that Sir Terry is now on borrowed time and will no longer be able to use that genius imagination of his for much longer… theres a cruel irony, a man who made his living off his imagination, starting to lose it.

Is that Irony? …it’s close enough

Terry Pratchett has been my favourite author for as long as I can remember. His quick wit is always a delight, his well rounded characters are fun to read, and his plots can make you laugh one minute and then gasp in surprise the next. The Discworld is a world where I could lose myself forever, for some people it’s Middle Earth, for others its Hoggwarts… for me it’s the Disc

I wish to walk the streets of Ankh-Morpork, to eat a Sausage in’a Bun from C.M.O.T. Diblers tray, to meet the cynical Commander of the Watch Sir Samuel Vimes, to play THUD! with Vetinari, to be conned by a man named Moist, to travel Hubwards towards Lancre and meet the Witches that keep stories at bay, to travel the Disc, to stand on the back of four Elephants as they in turn stand on the back of a giant turtle swimming through space, and then to finally meet the one everyone meets in the end, to just talk about life with Death and maybe go for one last curry.

With every book I reread, I’ll be able to do all of these and more, with Sir Terry leading the way I shall revisit old friends and become acquainted with new ones… it’d be nice to visit again.

Review Retrospect: "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ`s Childhood Pal" By Christopher Moore

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 23:22:40 +0000

Some people, when presented with a dilemma, often stop and ask themselves “What Would Jesus Do?”. You meet a beggar in the street asking for loose change, “What Would Jesus Do?”. You are given the opportunity to steal and get away with it, “What Would Jesus Do?”. You are the only one who can bring peace to warring nations, “What Would Jesus Do?”.

So what would Jesus do?

Jesus would learn Kung-Fu.

“Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal” by Christopher Moore, tells us about a Jesus Christ that none of us know, the life of Jesus as a young man. Why did the Bible skip the 20 years of Jesus’ life? Because Biff hadn’t written his story yet… obvious in hindsight.

The book tells us of the childhood of Joshua, son of Joseph and Mary (Later renamed Jesus Christ) and his childhood with his best friend Levi, who is called Biff. After bonding over killing and resurrecting lizards, and chasing after the same girl Mary of Magdala (call her “Maggie”), Josh and Biff decide to head out on a quest to find the three Magi who visited Josh on the day of his birth, so that he can learn how to become the saviour… as you do.

The story is a typical coming of age story where Jesus learns the secrets of Buddhism, turns invisible and teaches an Elephant Yoga, whilst his Best friend Biff learns how to be a kickass Jew ninja, who can make bombs and get laid rather often. Your typical story really.

The above couple of sentences may sound blasphemous (Because they are), but the story is held together with respect to the J-Man and his teachings. All the other stuff that comes with the story of Jesus are in here, the calling of the disciples, the last supper, being nailed to a huge lower-case letter “T”, all in here. It’s just really refreshing to find a Jesus who’s relateable whilst still being the Son of God… if I was around 2000 years ago and I met these two, Hell, I’d be a follower.

I’m going to end the review here because I have some thoughts regarding my own personal take on religion that I’d like to share, so if you don’t want to read about that, I’ll tell you where to stop. But all in all “Lamb” is a heart warming tale of two boys growing up and being friends as they travel and try and find answers.

4.5 Wooden Lower-Case Letter “T“‘s out of 5

Okay you can stop here now if you want…

…

Still here?

…

Okay, if you’re sure…

…

I’m not a religious person, I was brought up Catholic, went to a Catholic school, read the Bible in RE Class, and wanted to escape from the watchful eye of the church the first moment I got… Now it’s not for any grand reason, it’s not because I was against organised religion, if you want to believe in something then believe in it and more power to you, as long as you don’t hurt anyone then you should feel free to do whatever the Hell you want. It’s also not that I thought one religion was more important or more right then the other, I left because it was boring. B-O-R-I-N-G! For a place that’s meant to celebrate the life of a great man, it sure is depressing, we learn a lot about how he was killed, but only a little about how he lived, and that’s a little sad in my opinion.

And I’m not against Jesus, I dig the guy, all he wanted people to do was love each other and take care of each other. What did we do? Killed him and then started killing each other over what he said that made us kill him. Poor Jesus, he can walk on water but he can’t stop people from being insane Dicks.

No, I’m not a religious person, but I do believe in some things. I know that Science is the way forward, but I’m very sure that there are things out there that science can’t prove or understand. I’d like to believe in a human soul and a life hereafter, shame that the only way we’ll see it is first hand on a one way trip. I believe that people have a right to choose how they live their life, and shouldn’t be belittled for what they do or don’t believe in… if people are happy, then who are we to deny them that happiness?

Go with your respective God (and Biff), Amen.

"Twilight" - An AdamBomb Review

Wed, 03 Nov 2010 19:19:54 +0000

This movie really “BITES” …sorry

Direct Link: http://blip.tv/file/4333298

"A Nightmare on Elm Street" (2010 Remake) - An AdamBomb Review

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 13:58:03 +0000

The only scary thing about this movie is the fact that it was made.

Direct Link: http://blip.tv/file/4322467

The Month of "SLASH-tober" - A Nightmare on Elm Street

Sun, 31 Oct 2010 17:09:00 +0000

Nancy Thompson: I’m going to go and get the guy who did it, and I want you to be there to arrest him when I bring him out. Okay?
Donald Thompson: Just tell me who did it, I’ll go get him, baby.
Nancy Thompson: Fred Krueger did it, Daddy. And only I can get him. It’s my nightmare he comes to.

Sleep, where the body relaxes, recharges and repairs itself after a days hard work.

Dreams, where ones mind rearranges the days events into information that it can processed and understood.

Both functions are required for a healthy body and mind, and they are also fun to do.

But what if you were no longer in control of your dreams, what if someone with an evil intent somehow gained access to your mind, what if your dreams could kill you?

‘One, Two, Freddy’s Coming For You…’

Made in 1984, and Written and Directed by Horror Maestro Wes Craven, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” was made on the small budget of $1,8M, it went on to gross over $25.5M at the box-office. It became the sleeper hit that was needed to stop, the then relatively unknown, New Line Cinema from going under and becoming bankrupt.

‘Nightmare’ tells the story of Nancy Thompson and her three friends, who after a series of bad dreams, realise that they all share a common theme… a badly burned man in a red and green sweater, who has knives for fingers.

As Nancy’s friends start dying in unusual circumstances in their sleep, Nancy confronts her parents who tell her about Fred Krueger, a vicious child killer who they, and other parents, killed in a bout of “Mob Justice”. But it turns out that Freddy isn’t quite as dead as everyone had hoped, and has started invading the dreams of the children belonging to those who killed him, looking for revenge.

I was introduced to both ‘Nightmare’ and Freddy at a young age by my brother who, at the time, was a big fan of the melted faced one. And as many others, I too root for Freddy instead of the heroes, his style is unmatched by any other slasher past or present, his sense of humour is amazingly dark, and his presence is downright unsettling… admittedly, it is bad when you want the child killer to win, but I guess that’s just the draw of Freddy.

_____________________________________________________________________

And with that, we come to the end of the first “Bored With Porn” Halloween Month. Where shall we go next year… Monster Movies? Ghost Movies? Really, Really Bad Movies? Who knows, but until then, pleasant dreams, and Happy Halloween.

***********

Awesome original Freddy Keuger picture created by the way talented Jacob C Paul, Please visit his site for more crazy awesome stuff at www.jacobcpaul.com

The Month of "SLASH-tober" - Friday the 13th

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 22:18:19 +0100

“You see, Jason was my son, and today is his birthday..” - Mrs. Voorhees

Mrs Voorhees loved her son, sure he may have been different to the other kids, born with a few deformities, but that shouldn’t stop a boy growing up, trying to make friends at a Summer camp… such a shame that no one was watching as the poor boy drowned.

This man has some serious mother issues.

“Friday the 13th” is one of the few slasher movies that changed the iconic slasher-killer from the start onwards. Mrs Voorhees was just a poor deranged woman who lost her young son to because some neglectful councillors decided they’d rather have sex then do their job… so you can see why she’d be pissed.

From “Part 2” on through to “Freddie Vs Jason”, we came face to mask with our Hockey Loving slasher. Jason quickly rose through the ranks of Slasher-dom to become one of the big names in the genre. His lumbering gait that appeared to never slow him down no matter what speed he was going, his super-human strength that could be used (and was used) to punch the heads off people, his neigh invulnerability to absolutely everything from lightning to fire to drowning, made him a force to be reckoned with. The man is basically a walking super-zombie, you know you don’t want to mess with that.

“Feelin’ UNlucky… PUNK?!!” See what I did there?

Although I know of the importance of Friday the 13th, I have to admit to not watching many of the series past Part 2, 3, 8, Jason X and Freddie Vs Jason. Thats something I’m hoping to rectify soon enough, but for now I’ll have to settle on Wiki articles and clips on the internet.

Internet, I promise you now, as part of my on going education in Slasher lore, I am going to watch all the Friday movies back to back… my Jason retrospective will be complete my friends.

But until then…

“KillKillKillKill, DieDieDieDieDie”

**************

Awesome original Jason Voorhees picture created by the way talented Jacob C Paul, Please visit his site for more crazy awesome stuff at www.jacobcpaul.com

Manchester Starfleet Mini-Con 3: Vlog

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 18:01:24 +0100

Star Trek, Quizzes, Drinking, Toys, Dancing and Awesome times.

“Live Long and Party On!”

External Link: http://blip.tv/file/4288494

The Month of "SLASH-tober" - HALLOWEEN

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 23:28:00 +0100

“I met him fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no, uh, conscience, no understanding and even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six year old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes, the devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply evil…He’s been here once tonight. I think he’ll come back. I’m gonna wait for him.” - Dr. Sam Loomis

Now there’s a face that only a babysitter could love

“Halloween”, the movie from 1978 that arguably started them all. Directed by John Carpenter and staring, the then unknown, Jamie Lee Curtis and, the very well known, Donald Pleasence, Halloween has the honour of making the “Stalk and Slash” genre of scary movies mainstream, a genre that continues to delight, disgust and, if we’re lucky, terrify the movie going public for the past 30 odd years.

“Halloween” tells us about the young suburbanite, Laurie Strode, who, on the night of Halloween, is stuck babysitting the neighbours kids. Usually this is a simple task for young Laurie, unfortunately for her this Halloween is also the night that a certain someone decides to come home to the town of Haddonfield… that someone just happens to be a silent serial killer with a penchant for blue boiler suits, white Captain Kirk masks and 8 inch butcher knives. And he seems to have a “problem” with Laurie.

He had always regretted the day he came out of the closet

“Halloween”, as well as being one of the very first (if not THE first) Stalk and Slash, introduced us to a new style of serial killer, ‘The Strong Silent Type’:

Take one (1) well built human male

Add one (1) iconic mask

a well known weapon

add a dash of the supernatural

and bake for 30 minutes.

Michael Myers is an original, the first in a long line of killers with a gimmick, he’s methodical, crafty, quiet and will. not. die. Without Michael there would not have been a Jason or even a Ghostface. Michael is just one of the few being on this planet who is pure, undiluted evil… and GOD, I love him for it.

The beauty of Michael is that no one knows why he kills, why he brutally knifes someone in the chest so he can pin them to the wall a foot above the floor, no one knows why he killed his sister when he was 6, or why he stalks Laurie. Michael is just a force of nature that needs to be reckoned with, and God help you if you get in the middle of that storm.

Unfortunately for Michael, being the first does not automatically make you the best, so come back next week and see which mask wearing psycho beat Michael to the number 2 spot… good thing it’s Hockey season.

“Mister Sandman, bring me a dream…”

**********

Awesome original Michael Myers picture, created by the way talented Jacob C Paul, Please visit his site for more crazy awesome stuff at www.jacobcpaul.com

The Month of "SLASH-tober" - SCREAM

Sun, 10 Oct 2010 02:19:38 +0100

“There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie.” - Randy

You’re all alone in the house, you’re about to kick back and watch some of your favourite movies when the phone rings, you answer thinking it might be one of your friends…

“Hello”

You hear a voice on the other end of the line, a voice you haven’t heard before, it asks you one question…

“Do you like scary movies?”

And so it begins.

“Scream”, directed by master of horror Wes Craven, written by Kevin Williamson, and staring Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette, was released back in 1996 and single handedly revived the stalk and slash genre of horror movies, a genre that was circling the drain after stagnant films, made on the cheap, turned a once scary category of films into joke that everyone had seen once before.

Wes and Kevin took that mindset and turned it on its head by introducing a genre-savvy killer who knew that if you break the “Rules” you lose your life.

“No, please don’t kill me, Mr. Ghostface, I wanna be in the sequel” -Tatum

Neve Campbell plays the role of Sidney Prescott, the heroine of our tale, whose mother was supposedly violently killed a year ago by her secret lover. Sidney is still reeling from that shock when a new string of murders arise in the small Californian town of Woodsboro. As her friends crack wise about the whole thing, equating the murders to scenes from popular slasher movies of the late 70’s and 80’s, Sidney becomes worried that her past and mother’s death is coming back to haunt her.

As the body count rises (including an un-credited appearance by The Fonz himself, Henry Winkler… “Ayyyy”), the town goes on lock-down, which means it’s a perfect time for the kids to party (“Serial Killer on the loose, let’s go get drunk” …GOOD PLAN!). Eventually, as the cast gets whittled down and the paranoia stets in for our protagonists, we find out that the killer is more then he seems and that a good knowledge of pop-culture can save your life.

Three guesses to who the killer is…

Scream started my love affair with the “Stalk and Slash” style of horror movies, its smart script, likeable characters and iconic killer instantly grabbed me by my senses and refused to let go. It made me want to watch the older movies just so I could understand the jokes and the little inside nods to the genre.

With 2 sequels already released, and a 3^rd to come out in April 2011, Scream has cemented itself as the mother of all post-modernist cinema. And it all started with just one question…

“Do You Like Scary Movies?”

The Month of "SLASH-tober"

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 15:20:00 +0100

It’s that time of year again, when ghosts, and gollies, and goblins. and other scary paranormal being beginning with the letter “G”, jump out of Hell and run ragged through the town, causing mayhem and mirth and the occasional murder upon the helpless population of this planet.

Yes my friends, it’s HALLOWEEN!

Halloween has only really caught on in my small country as of late, 15 years ago there wouldn’t have been anyone rapping on any doors requesting sweets or a bit of loose change, (Hell, it’s only with in the last 5 years that anyone has put any effort into their costumes, many a year would you find kids with their hoodies pulled over their heads, demanding a treat of some kind. I make it a point not to give anything out unless they’ve made an effort). But with the ever growing fashion of American TV shows on these isles, Halloween is becoming a mainstay and grows in popularity every year.

Now, I may too late to don the colourful costume and go knocking door to door for hand outs, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t enjoy this season of evil my own way. That’s why, for every week of this gut-wrenching month, I shall be writing about of my favourite Movie Stalk-and-Slash Serial Killers, Thats 4 killers for the month of October… you get your moneys worth here folks.

So join me as we take a trip to Crystal Lake, just past Elm Street, and ask “Do You Like Scary Movies” in this month of HALLOWEEN!

The Internet is Filled with Cynics and Bastards

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 00:56:52 +0100

Remember way back, when the internet was still in it’s infancy, when every one was working on a 56k modem and thought it was fast, when lolcats were but laugh-kittens, Rick Astley was only considering Giving us up, and the the World Wide Web was still thought of as that think college students used to register the speed of lasers to colleges in Japan?

No?

Then you’re probably one of the people I’m going to be talking about today.

Now don’t get me wrong, all you kids are probably perfectly nice people unto yourselves, but there is a high probability that within the last 48 hours you used the internet, you were a complete dick to someone.

I’ve been on-line for almost 10 years now (not as long as some people, I’ll admit that as power users go I’m not one of the most travelled years-wise. But I have been on the internet almost every day for those last 10 years… so yeah, I’ve been around these tubes) , and one of the major themes I’ve seen spread across this Global Super-highway, is that when you can’t see a person you disagree with, you will be a complete funk-wad to that person.

…Stop being Funk-Wads.

Now, if I may slightly digress for a moment, I used to be a prominent member of a well known internet forum… I say with very little ego, that everyone there knew who I was and I knew every major player on the site. For 7 years I watched my little world turn, and for 7 years I saw the quality of the members, posts, intelligence and just good-old-fashioned manners go down the crapper. I don’t know who said “Hey, lets be a-holes to people we’ve never met”, but my-God did you people ever run with it… I just don’t know why people are a-holes, why they feel the need to put the people who give them free entertainment, information, and sometimes friendship down… it can’t be healthy, it really can’t.

The sad thing is, it’s starting to leak out into the real world, through TV shows, Newspapers, Movies, and politics (think back 2 years, remember the 2008 election? How much shit was sold to the media whilst covering the real issues at hand?).

Another trend that I’ve seen pop up is the act of putting someone down for creating something, with cried of “Looks crap” and “YOU DIDN’T MAKE THAT” and “You’re wrong, heres why, if you disagree with me, then you’re Hitler”. Cynicism is a terrible thing to have, it robs us of the wonder of the world and makes everything so commonplace that all you get is boredom.

What makes me laugh, is that people will go through long posts detailing everything wrong with the person in question, and post it thinking that the original poster has been beaten and embarrassed, rather then just clicking on a link away from the offending site. People be trippin’.

The world is on a downward spiral that can only be fixed one person at a time… so heres what I want you to do, next time you feel the blood boiling and the snark beginning to flow down your arms, just take a breath, step away from the keyboard for 5 minutes and come back at it with a clear head. You’ll be more rational and think clearer.

So remember:

1: STOP

2: Take a deep breath

3: Step away from the keyboard

4: Busy yourself for 3 minutes

5: Return with a clear head

6: ???

7: PROFIT!!

And Stop being a Funk-Wad

~Adam